I could give you excuses as to why it has been so long since I have written anything. I probably could muster a halfway decent one but it still would be an excuse. It’s true things have been busy with the new addition in the house, but it goes deeper than that, much deeper. See the Lord has been dealing with me in my complacency in life. Shifting through the day-to-day and seeing what is of him and what is not.
More than anything I desire for my walk to go deeper but once I really examine what it looks like if I am honest it gets scary. Things that never crossed my mind are now nagging me to act, to choose. It’s in the choice that the scary becomes hard. Why is that we so long for “freedom to choose” but when it comes to our faith and choices we can’t handle the consequences. The choices I have made have been for the COMFORTABLE and the EASY and the SAFE. Expecting people to see me and know that I am a Christian, but how can they, what distinguishes me from an unbeliever?
So this is where I have been camped out for quite some time now. Wrestling with the Lord over little things and big things. It has left me in a constant state of conviction and taken every word I had to say away. I know he’s left me there on purpose. It takes a while for anything to get through to this stubborn heart of mine and then it must conquer my head. The static noise that second guesses what the Lord just revealed in my heart. It is a sick cycle that I have been on for what feels like forever. My deepest prayer is to get things the first time. I don’t think God wired me that way. For things to click I must choose the uncomfortable road, the hard road, the scary road. See its only on that road I cling to him, it’s all about him and nothing about me.
Which is hard because everything is about me, right? It’s not but….it is. I must confess more often than not I find myself whining to God about my circumstances, my toddler didn’t sleep last night, the baby is cutting a tooth, it’s too hard to do that thing you want me to do, blah blah blah. With a 2-year-old at home I know just how awful whining is. It’s worse than nails on chalkboard ,it is a constant battle with my little one. I want her to see how BLESSED she is that she has both a mommy and daddy that love her. That she gets to do and see things most little girls around the world dream of. That she should be thankful for the Lord for…
Right there did you see it that’s one of the two lessons he keeps drilling in my head over and over. I am BLESSED and should be THANKFUL! I do know how incredibly I have been blessed it is just when I take my eyes of him and turn them to me I forget in the moment. So he has shown me over and over this past year this lesson. He has shown me that life is sooo short and that each breath is a gift. This lesson came in dealing with the death of a close childhood friend whose wit and charm has left an unmistakable impression on my heart. There is so much I want to say but there are no words…Speechless. Just prayer for the words to come and for the mending of hearts broken.
It happened today right in the doctor’s office. My daughter had an appointment with a child orthopedic to look a very minor issue that looks as if she will outgrow. While we were getting ready to turn the hall to head to the room the Lord said “SEE” there stood before me was a young boy about the age of twelve with a walker to the side and braces on each leg. The doctor told him “your brain just doesn’t know what to do yet, we will show it”. I stood there completely shaken up no words… just humbled.
I have so much to be thankful for and fail so miserably at acknowledging it in the day to day. This brings me back to my earlier question and the second lesson. For someone who has so much to be thankful for why don’t I live more that way? What distinguishes me from an unbeliever? Why do I choose the easy, comfortable and safe?
Several years ago the Lord started challenging my faith as authentic as a whole but in specific areas as well. The only thing I know a few years later is I have so far to go. To really live an authentic faith you must reach beyond yourself and truly rely on God. You must push past what the world sees as okay to find what God says. This is so easy to say but so hard to do. My ego struggles with acceptance and fitting in. My ego doesn’t want to be different from everybody else. My ego wants to measure up.
And there my dear Watson lies the problem. My Ego and my heart are in two different places. My heart is sold out to my Savior. My heart tells me I am who God says I am. My Heart tells me its His truth I seek. My heart yearns for the distinct mark of Christ. My heart battles everyday in every decision for Christ to take his throne. And I mean EVERY decision, how to discipline my daughter for … (fill in the blank she’s two) , how to spend the time in my day, and how to love on people like Jesus would.
My ego wants the comfortable but my heart knows it is becoming uncomfortable with the way things are around me, that the change occurs and the Lord shows me his ways and higher. My ego wants the easy and my heart wants the hard for I know that is where the growth occurs and the Lord shows me a little more of who He is. My ego wants the safe but my heart wants the scary totally relying on Jesus to get me through this. It is because in that scary place where we show his Glory. Let’s face it, if we are truly following after our savior then comfortable, easy and safe should not even be in our vocabulary.
“Foxes have holes and bird of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” Matthew 8:20. By choosing the cross Jesus choose the uncomfortable, hard and scary. In following Jesus we choose the way of the cross which means choosing the same. “Anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever looses his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 10:38-39.
It’s right there in the uncomfortable, hard and scary place where we step out in faith and know he has us right in the palm of his hand. It’s there that the mark of Christ shows. I don’t know about you but that is where I long to be more than anything. The prayer of my heart is that God would take me there to the uncomfortable places so I become overwhelmed in his presence and his glory would shine.